Princess Diana had one of the most publicized funerals in history. Her brother, Charles Spencer, delivered an eloquent and moving eulogy. One of the most powerful parts was, "I don't think she ever understood why...there appeared to be a permanent quest on (the media's) behalf to bring her down....Of all the ironies about Diana, perhaps the greatest is that a girl given the name of the ancient goddess of hunting was, in the end, the most hunted person of the modern age."

Eulogies make a funeral memorable. They are a gift to everyone involved--the speaker, the audience, and the loved one who passed on.

You might assume eulogies are as common as flowers at memorial services. Unfortunately, this is not so. Not all families are able to find someone willing and able to write and deliver a eulogy. Some families rely on clergy who did not know the deceased. The results can be disappointing.

None of us likes to contemplate the loss of a loved one or the call to duty to deliver a eulogy. Keep reading, however, and you will discover ways to make this difficult task easier. You will also discover how writing can serve as a healing tool.

What A Eulogy Should Accomplish
Many people think a eulogy should be an objective summation of the person's life. This is not true. A eulogy is much more simple. Of course, a eulogy includes biographical information, but primarily it should express the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy vis-à-vis the loved one. The most touching and meaningful eulogies are subjective and written from the heart.

A eulogy does not have to be perfect. Perfectionism stops many people from beginning or finishing their writing. Realize whatever you write will be appreciated. So lower your expectations, don't be self-conscious, and write what you can. Everyone knows you didn't have much time to prepare and you are emotionally distraught. They are, too.

When you set out to write a eulogy, ask friends and relatives for their recollections and, especially their stories. In a eulogy, it is perfectly acceptable to say, for example, "I was talking to Uncle Lenny about Ron. He reminded me of the time Ron came to Thanksgiving dinner with half of his face clean-shaven and the other half fully-bearded. It was Ron's unique way of showing he had mixed feelings about shaving off his beard."

Be honest. For most people who are being eulogized, there are a lot of positive qualities to talk about. Occasionally a eulogy has to be given for someone who was very negative. The solution is omission. A eulogy is not a confession. No one will find fault if you leave out details. Talk about positive qualities and, if you must mention the negative, put a compassionate spin on it; e.g., "She struggled with her demons and they sometimes got the best of her."

What To Write About
There are many ways to figure out what to write about. If you have the time to brainstorm, use the clustering method of outlining described on page five of the book. You'll love the way it frees up your thinking. If you are pressed for time, you will find the questions on page six quite helpful. For example, "What made your loved one truly happy?" "Why are you inspired to write this eulogy?" "What will you remember most about this person?" On page eleven you will find "Helpful Phrases" that will get you writing immediately about your loved one's many qualities.

Be Honest
Most people have a lot of positive qualities; however, occasionally a eulogy has to be written for someone who was not well-liked. The solution is omission. A eulogy is not a confession. No one will find fault if you leave out negative details. Write about positive qualities and, if you must mention the negative, put a compassionate spin on it; e.g., "She struggled with her demons and they sometimes got the best of her."

How To Begin A Eulogy

Ideally, an opening should draw in your audience and be thought-provoking. Realize, however, the opening of any piece can be the most difficult part to write. If an opening does not come to you right away, don't panic, just skip it, state the topic plainly (e.g., "This is a eulogy about Ron.") and start writing. You can come back later to create a better opening sentence or concept.

When you're ready to devise on an opening, consider using a quote, anecdote, philosophical inspiration, problem, question, juxtaposition, sensationalism, or statistics. Examples of these appear in the book starting on page eight. For now, here is an example of stating a problem as an opening:

"In 1935, a 10-year old boy discovered what it means to be a man. His father died suddenly. His mother suffered from polio and could not work. His younger brother and sister were barely old enough to tie their shoes. So this 10-year old man helped with the responsibility of supporting his family by delivering newspapers. By the age of 15, he ran a newspaper delivery service with ten employees. At 35 he owned three major newspapers, four radio stations, and a TV station. His sense of responsibility for his family never turned to greed. In fact, giving was his way of life. Few people are capable of the type of philanthropy that changes lives. There are hospitals, museums, performing arts centers, and university libraries that bear this man's name. That 10-year old boy was my older brother, one of the most remarkable men of his time."

Tips For Delivering A Eulogy

A eulogy may be the most difficult speech you ever deliver, but it can be the most rewarding. Calm yourself by realizing people are not going to judge you. They will be supportive no matter what happens.... (See page 14 of the book.)

Make the eulogy easier to read by printing it out in large type (if using a computer) or ....(See tips on page 15.)

Before the memorial service, get a cup of water, keep it with you, and take it to the podium when it is your turn to speak. Sipping water before and during the speech will help relax you. ...Take your time. Do the best you can. Just be yourself.

Writing As Therapy

Writing in general, whether it is a eulogy, a letter, or a journal entry, is therapeutic and can help with grief, sadness, ambivalence, confusion, or other stress. You may already know this--at one time you may have written an angry letter and not mailed it, but felt better for having written it. In the case of a eulogy, writing brings up memories, rekindles feelings, and helps you deal with the grief. It has been said, "The only way out is through."

Julia Cameron, in her book, The Artist's Way, advises aspiring artists to set aside time each morning to write. She calls it, "morning papers." For our purposes, we can call it, "Mourning Papers." It's simple: every morning take the time to write three pages of thoughts and feelings.

Mourning Papers can cover anything--complaints, dreams, frustrations, feelings, fears, and so on. Nothing is too trivial. Complain about the barking dog next door. Write about your life's dreams or regrets. Create a grocery list. Brainstorm goals. Unburden yourself of pain and sorrow. You can think long-term and create a better life for yourself or you can work on immediate needs. The only rule is there are no rules. Let whatever is on your mind flow onto the paper. (For a more detailed discussion, see page 54.)

Bringing up the pain, although unpleasant, is part of working through it. I'm not a therapist, but from experience I know that repressing feelings is counter-productive. Shakespeare once wrote, "Tears water our growth." The power of writing is undeniable and there is no better time than now to take advantage of it.

Think of a eulogy as a gift to yourself and others. Embrace this opportunity to give of yourself and to bring some light to an otherwise dark time.

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This following sites consider this book--and this article--so valuable they have included it on their sites:

Life Files
The Funeral Directory
Counseling For Loss
Overbeck Grief Resources
Rochester Funeral Homes
Peter J. Jackson, Funeral Info, Australia
J.J. Patterson And Sons
James J. Dougherty Funeral Home
Beyond Indigo Grief Support Network
Sacred Spiral

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